Bits & Pieces

143-2 days sober. Did not have a good time in those two days. But it’s all feeling kinda ‘what’s the point?’ even now. Had to stop the new medication that really amped up the ‘what’s the point?’ feelings. I guess… no pill for the adhd is availabe for me yet; i’ll try the strattera but it may have the same side effect. And stimulants might work a lot better but I’d have to get a solid assessmenet and a new provider which would take some time. I’ve made all my poor choices and now, stuck in a hole of my own making, can’t seem to climb out. Although objectively, things ARE improving, it’s never enough. The thing they say in buddhism about desire being the root of suffering… wishing I could more easily transition into a more normal pattern of life. Sometimes I wish I could just burn this place down and take a tiny amount of possession and live in a one bedroom somewhere. But all the time sucks of the internet and video games would still be there too, and my mess would follow me.. Not a productive train of thought. But the web development course and part time jobs continue. The cat is fine. But whatever efforts I DO put forward feel insignificant to the problems. What they say about needinga spiritual, Not just behavioral solution, I guess maybe? At least it’s something to hope for that could materially change things, if true. ANND on the other hand I haven’t been on the new antidepressants all that long either. A small white board full of goals I wrote and gave up on last year would seem to have been accomplished/continuing. The cat insists on getting in front of me as I type; how annoying but typical. Not sad, just an average day. And presumably almost no one saw the embarassing posts I deleted from WordPress from those two two days (and I didn’t post or message on social media) so that’s good.. For people who got those in their email, sorry! Sub par to be sure