“Facing Fear” pg130-132 in Make Magic of Your Life by T Thorn Coyle from chapter 6, ‘Goals & Choices’ which is in section 3 which is on the power To Dare
Fear is a complex, multifaceted topic. Some fear is obviously a lifesaver. I want to fear getting close to the edge of an actual cliff. I want to fear walking through a strange neighborhood at night. That sort of fear is the animal self telling us to “Pay attention!” And we need to pay attention. We need to find a way to assess situations as accurately as possible.
But what causes us to fear desire? Fear of becoming more fully ourselves? Or perhaps fear of getting trapped in some impractical fantasy world? Or fear of being laughed at by family, friends, or the universe? We don’t want to get attached. We want too much to be attached. But desire will out, even if it is the desire to be free of desire. Desire is life in action. Desire is the welling up of a longing that will no longer be denied. It is the whispering—barely heard, but recurring in our ears. Desire is what we seek and what we fear.
Fear helps bring risk assessment and attention into focus. But how often do we actually do either? In some situations, our animal or our rational mind argues with us that something is a risk, and therefore we should avoid it at all costs. The shouts of “Pay attention !” that help in situations of actual danger become instead a way to ignore what is really happening around us, focusing our attention instead on the emotions fueling the fear. We start to see monsters lurking in closets where there are none. We start to choreograph spectacular failures that we just know will happen. Fear becomes a cage.
I often say that everything in life is about relationship, and every relationship entails risk. Facing risk is part of how we grow; it is how we learn new things; it is a way to engage our curiosity so we can say “I wonder how this works,” or “I wonder what might happen if…”? Below, I write about running toward danger. This practice has enlarged my courage, my ability to learn, and my heart. Yes. I risk more in relationships now. This doesn’t mean I engage in “risky relationships,” however. Rather, it means that I take more risks in the relationships that are important to me.
What helps with this? Again that phrase “I wonder…” My past, my emotions, my old thought forms still want to manufacture “I know…” attitudes when actually I don’t know yet. This freezes my words and actions. Recognizing that this is just fear helps me to understand that, in most cases, fear points to something that feels dangerous—emotionally dangerous, or dangerous to my parts that like to know the outcome of things before they begin, or dangerous to the parts that would rather sit in bed and read all day rather than confront a difficult truth. By recognizing that this is just fear, I can actually assess the situation and say: “What is actually happening here? Oh. I feel afraid. All right, I can re-center, breathe, and find energy to back up the words I need to say, or the questions I need to ask.” Facing these sorts of fears helps to deepen intimacy in my relationship with myself, with my friends and loved ones, and with the world.
I even think it makes me a better person. It also helps me to walk through a strange neighborhood at night and more accurately assess real danger, rather than populating the streets with phantoms that may not exist. It enables me to shift my posture to one of confidence. That makes it less likely that what I fear will actually come to pass.
Fear can help us. Fear can also box us in. We have to learn to trust ourselves to know which kind of fear is which. Fear cannot become the driver of our carriage, nor its master. But we can listen when the horses tell us they feel spooked and decide whether to turn the corner or to reassure them that the driver knows the way—or that we are willing to take responsibility for not knowing and move forward anyway.
used without permission from https://www.thorncoyle.com/books/make-magic-of-your-life
Featured image sources: Photo by Michał Bińkiewicz on Unsplash, Photo by Henri Pham on Unsplash, Photo by Julian Schultz on Unsplash, Photo by Warren on Unsplash and Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash.
Lost in Mist 